AHS: Roanoke—Series Premiere Play by Play and Nothing but Spoilers

Let me just preface this whole premiere by saying I was lying, I’m TOTALLY waiting on tenterhooks, hoping with every breath this is a great season.

It’s possible! I dreamed it last night, dreamed there was an incredible way to tie the whole series together neatly, into an unsettling and satisfyingly frightening season, all because I was thinking before I fell asleep about a way to open this Episode Series.

Imagine a basement full of American Horror Story characters, recurring cast members from all the different seasons, wandering in the half-light in various stages of costuming from different seasons. Underneath the costumes, each of them has a true self that is a character from one of the seasons, but they have all been in the basement for so long, in the dark, they can’t remember who they are. Handfuls of them are pulled out at a time for each season, and time is non-linear. The basement is below the Murder House, and the holder of the basement keys is either Constance or Sister Jude. No one knows for sure. I think Evan Peters is “really” Kyle from Season 3 based on his stitchery but he’s the only one I saw in any state of undress. Ahem.

Onward to the premiere!

Episode Play-by-Play:

LILY RABE!!!!!!
I love it already.
LILY RABE AND SARAH PAULSON ARE THE SAME PERSON.
I’m all in.
Has Ryan Murphy ever been to North Carolina? Rural North Carolina is maybe not the most welcoming place for a black man, not to mention that obviously evil house. Okay, let’s leave practicality out of this.
Oh, okay the locals seem suitably and stereotypically unwelcoming. They even spit.
Congratulations on your Mercedes win, Miranda from Oklahoma. But I should’ve won, too. I guessed it because of the “Croatoa” false exorcism spell thing from S1.
Where’s Evan Peters.
OH JESUS IT’S RAINING TEETH.
Where’s Evan Peters? Maybe she’ll hire him as a farmhand.
As an Unsolved Mysteries fan, I am so. into. this. Would be cool if they had Robert Stack to help narrate. But this is working.
Halfway through, still no Evan Peters, but I’m still into it.
Also, I don’t think it’s unrealistic that Cuba Gooding Jr is the re-enactor. Matthew McConaughey started on Unsolved Mysteries.
Woohoo, Angela Bassett!! Killer re-enactment squad.
Going downstairs into the dark basement … Hhmmm.
ANIMAL HEADS!!! YASSS!! Blair Witch dolls and a pig head. I’m happy.
Okay genuinely spooked by the old-timey-Kathy-Bates-smashed-by-car-now-we’re-lost-in-the-woods situation we’re in. MORE SCARY FOLK DOLLS!! WHERE’S THE TOP OF THAT GUY’S HEAD??

Oh that’s it.

Well done!

Let’s recap:

Hell yeah, Season Premiere! We’ve got an Unsolved Mysteries/Investigation Discovery situation with Lily Rabe and Sarah Paulson playing the same person, set at an old farmhouse in rural North Carolina, hinting at the lost colony of Roanoke. Along with some cool familiar faces, the franchise seems (being tentatively hopeful, here) bent on heading for some genuinely spooky, old-fashioned scares. It’s a 180 from Season 5, but maybe in the best way possible: getting back to basics. I am supremely satisfied and downright excited about next week. I’ll save further analysis until we get a bit farther into the season (I loved the premiere of Freakshow, too, so I’ll reserve my predictions). Things are very fittingly open-ended at the close of this Episode 1, we’ve been introduced to some primary characters, given a firm setting, and promised some jump scares. Theoretically, every episode or two could present an entirely different cast encountering the farmhouse, but they invested a lot of backstory in this trio.