As I’m typing this, Halloween has not yet plastered me in Karo syrup mixed with food coloring, or glitter, but by the time you read this I should be crying and still trying to wash the sticky, sparkly Halloween goodness out of my hair while praying to the Tooth Fairy that my teeth survived the chocolate. I hope your Halloween went half as well.
I’m going to admit, I’m not watching Roanoke Chapter 7 the night of its airing–I have avoided internet spoilers, but I have gathered that people are VERY pissed off about the zombie show that I don’t watch (the special effects and makeup are too good, I have never been able to focus on even one episode outside those parameters) because of … death, or something, and also pissed at AHS for continuing its many-seasoned tradition of looking at whatever these “rails” are, and deciding to “go off them.” For me, it’s the most endearing aspect of the show. Much like the way Stefano never really dies any of those eighty times on Days of Our Lives, or Arrow is really about that guy doing pull-ups in a shaft of light, there are certain inevitabilities to love and accept, or else go far away and find other entertainment.
Here we go! Continuing Season 2 of Season 7!
- Douchebag Producer continues behaving how we imagine reality show producers behave: like a mean child shaking an ant farm.
- Yes! Get ’em Agnes!! This is EXACTLY what I expected/hoped for Kathy Bates! Eliminate the douchebags! Kill everyone!
- Oh god, Tate. Please be okay please be okay. Hunt for Red Tate. Yes, that was lame. I don’t care. Wait, what?? He’s just GONE? You assholes! Okay, bright side: no body means he can show up. Also if he is dead (probably), he can be there as a ghost, like the Original Tate, and James March. Tate 2.0, young but of legal age even if he’s not blonde so I don’t feel like such a perv.
- Okay, so Agnes/Kathy Bates/Maybe The Butcher is able to operate recording equipment in all incarnations she takes. BLAIR WITCH DOLLS OH SHIT.
- Talking, talking, talking. I sort of want one of those Photo Booth Confessionals in my house, I will admit. But you could only go in if you had something to say that wasn’t whiny.
- Oh damn! Fake Matt is trying to be a bad guy, but when it comes down to it, he reverts to being instinctively helpful and afterwards plugs up cleaver-wounds. Now it’s Matt vs. Matt. Everyone wants to help Shelby. It is kind of cute how the Real and Re-Enactors are sort of pairing up with their counterparts.
- Seriously though, halfway through the episode and no Evan Peters.
- Shaky Blair Witch running in the woods stuff, getting slightly dizzy …
- “Leave me alone, I’m not American, I’m not used to all this carnage!” Best line of the episode!
Okay, we’ve been Blair Witch-ing it for a solid fifteen minutes. And Redhead Tate is VERY dead.
- Oh damn. So THAT is the “all died mysteriously except one” caveat answer! Never would have dreamed in a thousand games of CLUE that it was Real Shelby with the Crowbar in the Basement!
- Return of the rednecks. Is that Sid Haig? Is that Sid Haig? That’s not how you tenderize meat. Nah, that’s not Sid Haig.
- Torches! Flashlights! Phones! Cameras! THE BUTCHER! … and, a cleaver.
- … and we’re done.
The mass slaughter of characters has begun. Or, begun again, depending if you think of Roanoke as two parts. This second half basically follows the SCREAM Rules of a Sequel: larger cast, higher body count, lots more blood and gore. Kathy Bates/Agnes shows up and totally guts the reality show producers right out of the gate, then the episode keeps running at that same hand-held blood-drenched speed right on through to the end, when Agnes meets the REAL Butcher–who puts a cleaver through her skull. It was a good one! Yeah, lots of running-with-cameras, but also lots of headsplitting. And at least the people have the courtesy to yell at each other for constantly filming.
The highlight of this episode for me is Sarah Paulson. Okay, the highlight of most episodes is Sarah Paulson. She has some great funny lines in the face of blood and gore, but her teary, bitter, cigarette-smoking confessional speech detailing the perfect alignment of everything that it takes to make the Older Woman/Young Trophy Husband scenario work, when she thinks Rory has left her, is my favorite moment in the episode.
Predictions: Everyone will continue to die, as the show-runners stated openly. Construction of a third “Murder House” will be considered complete, which sets up a nice possible premise for following seasons. There will be a thousand threads that aren’t picked up, and I will be mildly frustrated. Mainly because Pigman is a supercool character and I still kinda hope he turns out to be special. Hopefully Evan Peters will return in ghost form.
See you next week!
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