AHS: Roanoke Chapter 9: Mopping Up

AHS- Roanoke - houseIt has been a weird week, to put it mildly. If ever there were a need for good art, or at least good entertainment, now is the time! Not that AHS has ever promised us art–in the entertainment department, though, they can be top of the line, if they’re in the mood.

Season 6 has been up and down. Again, full disclosure, I did not watch the episode the night it aired: even though I was awake, even though I am doing a column on each episode. Somehow I caught up on Westworld and watched four episodes from the first season of The Girls Next Door then said, “Oh shit, it got late!” and went to bed. I’m not directly saying that’s an indictment of Roanoke or how excited I am about Episode 9, as I did not intentionally put off watching it, but I am heavily implying it, as I unintentionally found a lot of other things more pressing.

Let’s jump in!

AHS: Roanoke 6 - found footagePlay-by-play:

  • And we’ve gone full-on Blair Witch with better technology. Go-Pro helmets, incessant Instagram rambling, selfie sticks. How can that be Taissa Farmiga? How? Is she Elizabeth Bathory? Was she changed to a vampire at age fourteen and forever doomed to play teens?
  • Wes Bentley’s character is pretty thick to be an ex-soldier. To go double or triple meta, I assume that the actor he is paying created a more interesting background for himself for the reality show. That’s how I’m rationalizing his not-very-believable delivery.
  • Roanoke teen Blair Witch cast parallel with actual first Blair Witch movie cast: totally don’t care if these kids die, as long as they shut up. Now they’re invoking Scream rules and it’s just too many references, now we must rely on Sarah Paulson’s group to carry us through.
  • I’m totally aware of how much I’m bitching. It’s just, after the Tom Hardy Taboo commercials and only two episodes starring Evan Peters, I’ve got horror blue balls.
  • We now return to Lee and crew! I really do appreciate Audrey (Fake Shelby, Sarah Paulson) getting people to repeat their intent before she blows their heads off. Blood Moon, and back in the house for Audrey and Monet.
  • Yes, please, Lee. Get on with dispatching these Blair Witch kids. At this point the Season Finale had better be a room full of executives deciding to scrap the entire project, because even if the Blair Witch people didn’t sue, the characters were unrelatable and unlikable, followed by the decision to do an Audrey and Rory reality show instead.
  • Uh-oh. The Butcher’s got a new ally! But damn, I am continuously surprised by the Shelbys’ tenacity.
  • Disclaimer for last sequence: shaky handheld torture porn forthcoming. All chances for the return of Evan Peters have been extinguished. Change the channel if you have ceased to give a shit.
  • I called it! I totally called it! I said Lee would make it! Wait! Audrey! NO!
  • Damnit!

AHS- Roanoke 6 - groundRecap:
I finally had a theory that turned out to be right: Lee was the survivor to make it out alive. It comes at a bitter cost, as Shelby, Audrey and Monet were all soooo close to making it through. Last week’s episode was the slaughter, this week was the clean-up of stragglers, with a fresh batch of disposables to film the whole thing and thing before being dispatched. Cricket’ ghost did not show up, Rory’s ghost did not show up. We FPS’d it through the remaining cast with the Polk Family falling, Lee lined up to take their place, and me at home with no clue what the hell they’ll do with the 10th and final episode of the season.

Join me next week for the Season Finale! I have no idea what will happen. I have finally given up on Evan Peters.




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